How to prepare for the opening of trout season here in Pennsylvania? That's one of the questions that the editors here at the paper wanted us outdoor writers to answer. I felt, since I'm much more well versed on this subject than anyone else writing for this publication, I should devote an entire column to the subject.
Most of our other writers will doubtlessly advise you to tie lots of flies, they'll probably even suggest which flies you should tie for early-season use. I, on the other hand, have a great deal of difficulty even telling when my fly is open, so I thought I'd concentrate on the really important things, like taking home a lot of fish, which you can then leave in your freezer until they're freezer-burned and dumped in your garden. If you don't have a garden, you can feed them to the neighborhood cats.
I'm sure a lot of experts will also suggest tearing your reels apart for cleaning and oiling. I, on the other hand, think that's a socialistic idea. A real capitalist would do what I do and use a reel until it freezes up from dirt and grime and then go out and buy another from a local tackle shop. Small business, after all, is the backbone of the free enterprise system.
My advise as to getting prepared for trout season starts with buying a book dealing with improving your memory. The reason for this is rather simple. If one is to be successful as a trout fisher person, one needs to commit the in-season stocking schedules to memory. You could print out a copy from the PFBC's Web site, but I believe it's much better form to have the schedule memorized. You'll look much more like the expert you want your fishing buddies to think you are. Be careful which of these memory building books you buy, though. Some work better than others. I had a fishing buddy who was half-way through reading one, put it down to grab a beer, and when he picked it back up he couldn't remember what page he was on. Some are, obviously, better than others.
Once you've committed the stocking schedules to memory and bought some new stuff, you must slightly alter your pickup truck. (If you don't own a pickup truck you shouldn't even be reading this because this column is mostly for rednecks like myself.) On the back of your pickup I recommend installing a .50 caliber machine gun, (they're readily available on the internet ). A .30 caliber will do in a pinch, but I like to go first class. You will then need a like-minded sportsman to man the gun while you drive the truck, or vice-versa if you're a better shot than you are a driver. With this rig you'll be absolutely sure that you're the vehicle that is in line directly behind the stocking truck. If you arrive a bit late, just open up on those jerks who are in line in front of you. They're probably just some mamby-pamby fly fishermen wanting to try out some of those flies they tied anyhow.
The final thing one needs to get ready for trout season is a small amount of explosives (they'll be available at the same Web site where you bought the machine gun). You may fool around with some rods, reels and worms for a while if you want, but I'm a results-oriented guy, and for producing fish, one can't beat a good explosion!
Next week we'll get into how you can pick up one of those fish shocking devises the PFBC uses when they do those stupid fish surveys. It'll be very helpful for you fisher persons who are afraid of explosives. Happy fishing!
n E-mail comments to jdsteese@yahoo.com.
Sports
Don Steese's Outdoor Perspectives column: A tongue-in-cheek fishing primer
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