The current format of our Thursday Great Outdoors section, where they ask us so called “experts” our opinions on a variety of outdoor topics, got me to thinking that it might be useful for me to let everyone know what I think about every important issue facing hunters, huntresses, anglers, and anglerettes. I further think this can best be accomplished by interviewing myself. A hush now falls over the crowd.
Q: ”Mr. Steese, could you please give us your expert opinion on…”
A: “Let’s get this out of the way right off the bat, I’M NO EXPERT, but I’m also not short of opinions, so start asking!”
Q: “What’s the secret to successful bird dog training?”
A: “Buy a dog with exceptional genetics and get them into lots and lots of wild birds.”
“That sounds so simple?”
“I’m a simple man.”
Q: “What’s the best choke for an average upland hunter to have in his shotgun?”
A: “Cylinder bore, which is no choke at all.”
Q: “What about those longer shots?”
A: “Don’t take em’, you’ll only miss and waste expensive ammunition.”
Q: “Did the Pennsylvania Game Commission import coyotes from Upper Slobovia to kill off the deer population.”
A: “No, they imported them to kill off the elephant population.”
“But there are no elephants in Pennsylvania!”
“See, it worked!”
Q: ”What’s the best way to catch more fish than your fishing buddies?”
A: “Only associate with lousy fishermen who are also lousy at math, then lie about the numbers when you’re adding up your catch for the day.”
“Lying is a sin!”
“This is fishing, God makes exceptions.”
Q: “How do you dress to stay dry in a downpour?”
A: “Wear jeans and a t-shirt and don’t leave the cabin.”
Q: “How important is it to get out to your tree stand before daylight?”
A: “Not only is it not important, it’s downright stupid. It’s dark before daylight and you could trip and break something important, like your drinking hand, besides those deer are going to be out there all day and by noon they’ll be bigger! Therefore if you want a real trophy, don’t go out until 3 or 4 in the afternoon.”
Q: “Does the Pennsylvania Fish and Boat Commission stock enough trout?”
A: “No! I think they should stock every river, lake, creek, farm pond and bathtub in the state, and if you don’t have the time to get out fishing, they should send you a few trout through the mail!”
Q: “What’s your opinion on Sunday hunting”
A: “I’m a traditionalist, I think Sunday should be a day you spend with your family — at the mall.”
Q: “What’s the best way to get young people interested in hunting?”
A: “I don’t want to get young people interested in hunting, they only increase the competition for the three or four deer left in Pennsylvania! Us old geezers have been buying licenses for years and we deserve to slay the last few remaining whitetails!”
Q: “My brother-in-law misses about seven out of every 10 birds he shoots at; what should he do?”
A: “He could improve his average by hiring me as a shooting instructor. I’d have him missing 9 out of every 10 in no time flat.”
Q: “What’s the most important outdoor oriented invention of the past 100 years?”
A: “Funny you should ask, we just took a survey at our deer camp and the pull tab beer can won 17-1.”
“Who was the one?”
“Our designated driver!”
Q: “Do you think ...”
A: “Almost never!”
-- E-mail comments to jdsteese@yahoo.com.
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Lending his (expert)ise
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