By Gina Morton
This holiday season Denise Davis and her family will join with her father, James Heintzelman, and her sister just like any other year. They will eat the regular food and enjoy the regular traditions.
Except this year, she’s missing her mother.
Bernice Heintzelman died in February after being a hospice patient for four days. Her family is still going through the grieving process and learning how to cope with the first major holiday season without their loved one.
The two attend regular grief support meetings through SUN Home Health and said the meetings have taught them the stages of grief and give them the opportunity to discuss the feelings they encounter each day.
“They’re good for you,” Heintzelman said, but added that not just the meetings provided comfort. The hospice workers he encountered in his wife’s short care were professional and friendly, offering a comforting atmosphere.
The groups are held in an intimate setting and give grieving individuals a chance to talk about their feelings and how they’re coping.
“The biggest part of the group is going over the grief process,” Davis said. “You start to feel different ways. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but it’s comforting to know people feel the same.”
First holiday alone
During the grief support meetings, Hospice Chaplain/Bereavement Coordinator Jim Taylor said the group does worksheets and watches videos to begin to get everyone talking. The group is encouraged to open up and talk about their grief.
“Emotions need vented,” Taylor said. “At the time of a death, family is inundated with attention, cards, phone calls, visits, the service. Soon after, the attention evaporates and everyone’s life returns to normal and you desire your life to return to normal but it never will. We need to realize, given time, we can and need to develop new, normal lives without the person lost.”
Taylor, who leads the sessions, lost his wife four years ago and knows what the individuals he’s counseling are going through. He serves as a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen for those who need it.
He remembers his first holiday season without his wife in 2005. He lived in Mifflinburg and his children lived near Philadelphia.
While his wife was living, the couple made trips to the city every year because they knew her time was limited. The first Thanksgiving holiday after her passing, he drove to his daughter’s home.
“The drive wasn’t the problem. I parked on the street, walked down the driveway and it hit me,” he recalled. “This was the first time I made the trip alone. I stopped in the kitchen and broke down and cried. My son-in-law wrapped me in his arms. It was comforting.”
That Christmas his family came to him in the Valley, and though he said it wasn’t in their hearts to celebrate they made the best of it for his grandchildren. At the table, everyone told a memory of Taylor’s wife, which he said was tearful but cleansing, and it validated in his heart she hadn’t been forgotten.
“The special days are a reminder of what life was,” he said. “You never forget, it’s just that the pain isn’t as intense as it was before.”
Avoid isolation
Davis believes it’s easy to isolate yourself during the holidays and special occasions when you’re experiencing the loss of a loved one because it’s easier than facing the pain, but said it’s important to spend the holidays with family.
“Maybe it won’t be exactly the same, but allow others to give you what you need,” she said.
Heintzelman and Davis said they talk on the phone several times a day. An additional sibling, who lives about an hour away with her family, also keeps up with the daily phone calls.
Davis said she knows that it’s harder on her father now that he is living alone and retired.
“Nights are when it’s bad,” Heintzelman said, “but I think about it all the time.”
Taylor said families will find that evenings and Sundays are the worst, and often individuals will find when they talk about the person, it keeps their memory alive and helps a person feel comfort.
“I never experienced the process of grieving so intimately,” Davis said. “In the beginning it was shock and disbelief just getting back into my routine. It’s not a year yet but as the months pass, new emotions come into play.”
Heintzelman said they only found out his wife was sick three weeks prior to her death, so there was no opportunity for the family to prepare for the inevitable outcome. It’s not any easier now than it was eight months ago, he said.
With a prolonged disease, families are anticipating grief and begin the process before the death even occurs. When it’s sudden, it takes much longer to cope.
“When family and friends no longer wish to hear how you’re feeling, they have your interest at heart but more often than not tell you to get over it,” Taylor said. “There’s no quick fix. This is an opportunity to talk about the feelings with a group of people who have your feelings and know what you’re going through. There’s validity, comfort and support.”
‘Never get over it’
All three recommended reaching out to loved ones, friends or grief support sessions for those who are experiencing difficulty during the holiday season with the loss of a loved one. Because everyone copes differently, it’s helpful to discuss with others the emotions you’re feeling.
“A lot say, ‘just get over it,’ but you never will,” Taylor said. “You will get through, but you will never get over it.”
